Tuesday, September 26, 2006

hell yeah it hurts

I just re-read the last post. If I sound bloodless, like I'm unaffected by the mate's guaranteed impending death, it's because we've been through all this already. The DNR's been witnessed and filed. Cremate, by mutual agreement (I didn't want the mate's body going to science because I know the low-rent med students have to pick the maggots out before they mess with a cadaver.) Ceremony, nothing formal; ashes to the Pacific Ocean. I have all the computer passwords and know where to find the ID cards. The business end of dying is something you do with your eyes closed and your hand outstretched. Sometimes you have to tell yourself that slow death's better than sudden, because you can plan. But you pay for the ability.

The reality is that I'm going to lose the second great love of my life within 5 to 10 years, possibly earlier, possibly right on the operating table. This is the other half of my heart, the smart one of the pair, the good-looking one. The mate is childish at times, sometimes disconcertingly so, but brilliant, a mind like no other I know, jumps from A to Z without a blink, remembers countries, political situations, religions, and can put them all together into a 3-sentence pronunciation of what's going to happen next. And turns out right about 70% of the time. The mate can't remember her parents' area code, but remembers philosophers and writers and what I said to someone (whom I don't even remember) ten years ago. The mate starts reading about the stock market and within 3 months turns it into profits, beating alpha regularly. The mate reads through medical data on a hundred websites and puts it together to understand what CF does at the cellular level, and why people are trying this treatment or that. Scary smart.

I'll never find someone who can awe me like that, and still want to have anything to do with me. A person so emotionally aware and talented at bringing out the best in others is rare. If there's karma on this earth, the whole world's going to be a little lessened.


Sugarpott said...

oh my...i am so sorry...=(

max inclined said...

Thanks Zarah. We've known for 5 years that her life was going to be limited. Everyone dies sooner or later. What's important is what you do with your life in the time you have left.