Saturday, October 28, 2006

sex

Yeah, we think about it all the time. Thinking about sex is the water between the rocks, the mortar between the bricks that pass for higher thinking in a guy's head. When a guy encounters an unfamiliar object, the first thought is, would I have sex with this? The answer more often than not is ‘yes,' even when the object is not organic. Guys are particularly fond of paper, especially the kind with pictures of women on it.

Guys are not picky. They do not prefer blondes. There are things all women, whether young, old, fat, thin, smart, or dumb, possess. Guys don't have these things. And they want them attached to their own bodies. But not in the grafting kind of way.

Sex is the default thought when other thoughts are not getting in the way. Consider the man a car. The RPMs at idling speed is the sexual thought level. If the engine is running (i.e. the man is not dead) there is RPM. When you press on the gas, the engine revs and you start doing something else, e.g. ignoring repeated requests to stop and ask for directions. However, the RPMs are still spinning at least at the idling level. Actual cogitation is just a layer on top of it.

Chart of male sexual thought activity. Note that the percent of preoccupation rarely falls below 30.
(Click for visible version.)

When guys are not getting sex they get tetchy. Feminists consider 'tetchy' to be an abbreviation for ‘testosterone poisoning,' but men prefer to refer to it as excess dander (around women).
Group date situation:
Girl 1: Where's Guy 3?
Guy 1: Oh, he said he was gonna be a little late
Girl 1: What's he doing?
Guy 1: {taking an opportunity} He's got a little dander, that's all.
Girls 1, 2 & 3: Dandruff? EWW!
Guy 2: Uh, yeah. {sidling up to Guy 1} Score.
Guy 1: Well, he's not getting any, he can wait a little longer

Short men and guys with small dicks tend to get tetchy sooner because there's less space for hormonal distribution. But whether small or large, guys suffering from excess dander will find a sexual metaphor in anything that meets their senses. Examples beyond the obvious include open windows, any large machine particularly those with arms, whining animals, bar graphs, coffee mugs, the vibrating stick shift, and tossing rocks in ponds. If allowed too much time to ponder these objects, guys will want them attached to their own bodies. But not in the grafting kind of way.

with a doff of the hat to Dave Barry

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