Saturday, May 19, 2007

the letter

Today I started writing a letter to the mate. I guess it's a form of diary, where I talk about what happened today, have random thoughts, share an inside joke, say I miss her and wish she was here to experience all these things. She thought the carhawking was great but will never know I took that first crow with P.

I bought a new black suit yesterday, and I need to work up some words to say when we scatter her ashes.

I've had two dreams about the mate, both shining and happy. In the second I was lucid enough to know she was dead, but I was glad to get a visit. In my semi-superstitious mode I can interpret upset in a dream as unresolved feelings, and I'm pleased that it appears I don't have any.

But I also sense a separating between my face and my heart. Well, they've always been separated, but it's stronger now. Outside, I must have manners and do things as convention dictates, say the right words to the relatives. In the letter, I can say the truth, speak my mind, as we did when she was alive. Recently I noticed that when talking to people, I stammer a little bit, my words don't come out as organized as usual because of the crowd of thoughts. Here's hoping this isn't a permanent condition.

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