Sunday, June 03, 2007

prep

Things are slowly coming along. The house has been hosed down ;) and the yards weeded and raked, the jungle has been mostly tamed. I have an idea of what I want to say when we scatter the stuff, I lost my tie and found it again, feathers of certain relatives that had gotten ruffled are now smooth. I've made lucky envelopes to hand out (Chinese tradition - a white envelope containing an odd denomination of money and a piece of candy. There should also be a white handkerchief, but that info came a little too late. It's okay, it's optional.)

And now I have nothing to do but confront my aloneness. Which is okay, it's been ongoing. This weekend are the relatives, next weekend are the friends, and after that I can relax and go back to being my usual self, and think about the future. But I really have to stop talking to myself out loud. It's a scary habit I've picked up.

I still stop short every once in a while and realize she's not there to enjoy X or give me her opinion or advice on Y, and that she'll never again. Every once in a while I can see her corpse in those early hours of the morning and remember how she was still warm. In my dreams she talks to me, which is really nice.

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