Thursday, August 02, 2007

waiting

That's how I've been feeling. Intellectually the facts are obvious: the mate's not walking in the door anytime soon. Yet I've kept myself pretty much housebound. The bird is molting, so no hawking -- everyone's birds are molting -- and there have been no outside events that particularly interest me. But some part in me still thinks that she's just away for a bit. It's habit and perhaps a little wishful thinking.

I don't know when I'll get over this. But I'm in no hurry, either. When I look at people they seem like nonentities. I can be friendly on the surface but they don't interest me at all; they're benign ghosts taking my money and bagging my groceries or whatever.

Friends break the emptiness for a short while. We talk about current stuff, but the future seems very abstract. I feel lonelier now and can't explain why. Perhaps I'm beginning to acknowledge the finality of death.

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