Monday, November 26, 2007

ulyssian lament

Now it's the big things only once in a while instead the little things are here such as how the weather's turning cold though winter is obviously on its way by the calendar over here in California you don't really notice since I've seen rain on Christmas day only once in the past ten years that and the way the house heat clicks on at night even though it's set quite low the cold is what tells you time is running and passing and stretching out time that's one of the little things and another is how I was driving home today and saw the odometer was at fifty-five thousand yet I had never really noticed it had passed fifty because it was forty-six or forty-eight the last time I really looked which means I've driven seven or nine thousand miles which is akin to crossing the United States and back without her in the car beside me and oddly that is painful it seems so small just like the green beans and bacon in cream sauce that I cannot cook without remembering how we tried it for the first time in Brno our magical holiday though I cannot imagine myself making Helmut and Jolana sad with the news although I know I ought to if I expect to go back which I'm not sure I will but if I ever wanted to be an expat it's a beautiful place not like Ensenada which is another place I can't think of without her and how she trembled when the picadors cantered in on blindfolded horses and stabbed the bull so I put my arm around her and thought about how cold it was on the shady side and now it's only growing colder how will I make it through winter

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