Friday, August 29, 2008

tomorrow is

her birthday. The mate, the one I lost to cystic fibrosis last May.

Tomorrow: one year 4 months without her. It seems like much longer; so many things have happened. A new house, the first and possibly last I will own, a new girlfriend come and gone already, people entering and exiting my life: other CF patients, nursing staff, doctors (temporary friends, I suppose), new neighbors. Different places to hike and hawk, old furniture and clothes replaced. Twenty pounds I hope to never see again. New bird, come and gone too. A psychotherapist -- never felt I needed one before, but my friends told me I was a wreck after the breakup with the girlfriend, and I had to agree.

Yesterday, I happened across Querencia in the used bookstore (looking for Borges, found Bodio) and read it today. It begins at the end, with a restless loneliness and oppressive weather. I knew very little about Betsy, Bodio's partner, but within 25 pages I knew the book was about her. I skipped to the end, spotted the word 'pine,' and knew tragedy lay ahead.

This has been a year of suffocation, it seems. The mate, the sharpy, and now reading about Betsy. I'm not normally superstitious, but every one of her cigarettes Bodio mentioned got laid on the pile of warnings that I'm destined for the same fate if I don't stop bullshitting around with "trying" to quit and not actually quitting.

Maybe tomorrow is the day.

1 comment:

Steve Bodio said...

I thought you might have read Q before or I would have tentatively recommended it.

Of course we all have to die of something-- my paternal grandfather died at 90 and smoked every day-- but with all the other toxins of modern life we probably don't need cigarettes too.

CF? Now THAT is interesting. I have a sister who is head nurse at the CF unit in Boston. She had a child who died very young of CF. Of course she and her husband are heterozygous carriers, as well as half my enormous family including me.

It now appears that heterozygote carriers after 50 especially start to show varying degrees of CF symptoms. I am 58 and was getting pneumonia every year, prone to chronic sinusitus, and worse (I'll discuss in email if you are interested.)

The hardest thing is finding an MD who will get info about it. My very good internist moved last year, and since she left the only doc I can call for advice is my sister's boss in Boston. It seems only CF specialists and the rare internal medicine person like Beth have any ideas whatsoever.

Oh and-- my stepson Jackson's best high school friend (Jackson is "Peculiar" in Odious and Peculiar blog) is a young man named Eli Tripp, now past 30 and still doing well with CF.

If this all interests you' email me at ebodio- at- gilanet dot com