Monday, July 06, 2009

When Brits rap

If the English do rap, they should never, ever stoop to imitating American rap. Below is the very finest example of what British rap should be: about tea. (Plus a great piano riff)


The artist's name is Elemental.

And some lyrics. (I'm not sure of all of it...)

Love a cup. I would -- ah, god YES. Oh that is gorgeous. Yeah!

I need a cup of the brown stuff the shade of an acorn
Made warm by the same source that I take my cakes from
Using a tea pot, a mug or fine china
Being hooked up to IVs, and constant supplies

But a drip for my urges might verge on perverted
for an earthy brown tea I’m certain it’s worth it
With Sherpas who work herds and use a fresh fountain
I deserve brews from Peruvian mountains

I’ve slurped up a cup from an elephant’s trunk
with a couple of monks who utterly stunk
I’ve had bourbons with sultans and creams with queens
and I’ve bathed in Earl Grey -- I’m really that keen
And missionaries dismiss me for my single epiphany
The difference between him and me is a simple sip of British tea

So when times are hard and life is rough
You can stick the kettle on and find me a cup

Now when I say Earl Grey, you say: yes please
Earl Grey: yes please
Earl Grey: yes please

When I say Assam, you say: Lovely
Assam: Lovely
Assam: Lovely
When I say ooh, you say ah
Ooh -- ah
Ooh -- ah
Ooh -- ahh

I’ve been around the world in 80 brews
to see the place you take me to
to make the brew that tastes like
the cream cakes made by angels do

I’m not the same as you, get shaky with aim
To swig amazing fluids, but don’t make it the same
Now using fine leaves picked by pretty maidens
in a bag knitted by a seamstress who lives in Copenhagen
Brewed up in a pot made of semi-precious metal
And then let the blessed contents settle
in my very special kettle

Now when I say Oo, you say: long.
Oo: long
Oo: long
When I say herbal you say: no thanks
Herbal: no thanks
Herbal: no thanks

Mmm... no... no, I want... I want milk in it.
Strong though -- I want to see that spoon stand up!

If you’re tired of tea, then you’re tired of life
Ah I’m madder than a hatter, it defies my might
Liken me to Earl Grey, Assam, or Ginger
Lapsang, Soushong, raise my pinky finger.
Keep your sodding coffee in a proper copper coffee pot
and spot me lobbing teapots at your poncey rotten coffee shop
coffee clocks, nodding off
lost a plot, sodding off
Need some caffeine, tannin, and a Battenburg to top it off

Cut them off a different block
A different lot can take their pay
On 80 cups a day, I haven’t slept for 80 years!
You can say I’m mad with tea or, or just say I’m mad.
Oh, you can’t stay any longer? Oh... actually, I’m, I’m quite glad --
All the more Battenburg for me
I can barely pour, my hands have got a bit shaky from caffeine.
Oh, I love it though.
I’d sell my own grandma for a cup.
Well, I’d sell *your* grandma for a cup.

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